Posted by Anonymous on 2013/05/27 under Uncategorized I dont know what to do. Things happened. Arguements, again and I was in the bathroom, crying. And I got this blade, and I started scraping my ankle, and my ankle started bleeding. And I stopped. And I was so angry with myself because I told myself that I would never do that again. I hadnt in two years. I mean I would scratch myself but only skin scratches. Not real cuts. But i’d done it again. And I went nuts and started hitting myself over and over with my fists and the handle on the side of my face, my arms, the back of my head. And I persuaded myself to put the blade down. And I remember crying. Cue shouting downstairs and I collapse again. I pick up the blade. Its not that I that I want to kill myself. I dont. I dont want to die. Its just that. I dont know. Its like I need to. But I dont.
I had written something. It wouldnt call it a note. I dont really know what it was. 2 sentences. They wouldnt make sense to you. Then I pulled down the front of my shirt, and rested the blade the centre left of my chest and swing and start crying and I move my hand up to my neck and rest the blade on the side below my ear but I’m too scared to move it and the blade just gradually moves deeper into my skin where im holding it and then I just let go and I fall in my arms which are wrapped around mt bosy and I realise im still holding my shirt down so I let go. I sit there for a.while. The blade Is back in my hand but im not going to kill myself, im just too scared to let go, and im looking at those words in my lap and I dont know what to do. Then I hear my little sis come up the stairs and I shove the note in my bag and the blade back on the side. She stays outside the door. Speaks to me. Goes back downstairs. I look in the mirror to compose myself. There is a faint mark where I held the blade. I cant belive what I nearly did. I want to tell my family, but they wont believe me. They think I want attention. I dont know what to do. I dont want to die.
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I understand what you’re going through. Except, I just tend to punch, pinch, and scrape myself when i’m extremely angry or sad. It’s like I don’t want to but I get the urge to do and I can’t help it. All I can say is stay strong. Try to take deep breaths, listen to music, drink some water, or something that calms you down that doesn’t involve hurting yourself. Maybe you should try talking to someone in your family and if they don’t believe you try to find someone else who will. I’m sure there’s someone out there who genuinely cares for you. I know it’s hard to fight back the thoughts that get into your head when you’re feeling angry or sad, but please stay strong.