Posted by Anonymous on 2013/04/15 under Uncategorized I have lead a life of addiction and abuse from men emotional and physical. I am now single and I have two beautiful daughters from my first marriage. I was married most of my life to my second husband who was an addict and ended up on crack cocaine. We lived in hotels and sometimes I didn’t know where we would end up living. I would starve for days. I allowed myself to be in situations I never dreamed.
When I lost my mother at the age of 34, I was totally devastated. She was killed in a motorcycle accident. My step-father was controlling and he pretty much made it impossible to grieve for her. Her mother my grandmother had lost her only daughter. She lived on his property. I had to be there for my Grandma. But I was in a bad way. I did the best I could.
Then my Grandmother passed away a few years later with cancer. I moved in with her and took care of her. But I was not the caregiver I should have been. I medicated myself a lot. Then my oldest daughter was there to help me of course. She has always felt she had to take care of me. After losing her Genga.
To make this long story short, I have not been the mother I had intended on being. My youngest daughter moved in with her Dad after my mother passed.
She lives on her own now and works hard and pays her way. She’s lives far away but we keep in touch. My oldest daughter lives a lot closer and now she has my beautiful granddaughter who’s goin on 8 months old. She’s the love of my life.
I live with my Dad now. He had to come and get me from the hospital cause the boyfriend I was living with at the time had beat me up pretty bad. It took him busting my nose and almost killing me to finally get away.
I just want to be with my kids. I want to make a home for them that is safe and that my grandbaby can come and stay at. I suffer from a heart condition I’ve been sick since I was 22. I died several times after my youngest daughter was born. I thought that it had been something that would make me stronger. And a lot of my friends think I am so strong after all I’ve been through. But that’s not what I see. I think I’ve made too many mistakes and choices that could have made a world of difference for me and my children had I only not been so selfish.
I have pain all the time physical and emotional but I am angry and ready to change my life!!!
It can’t be too late for me cause I can’t live if I can’t be independent for once in my life. I’ve always depended on people, family mostly. Husbands that abused me… I’ve been raped 2 times in my life and that was after my first step father molested me at 13. So I’m just trying to put my life together for once.
No more excuses. My past has got to be put behind me and I have to do something before my granddaughter grows up barely knowing her Gammy. I’ve seen her a few times and I was blessed recently to spend a couple of weeks with her. I cry all the time when I see her pictures and I see the lady that is a very good friend who took my daughter in when she had no where to go and was pregnant. She sees my daughter and grandbaby everyday and I envy it so much it hurts me. It’s suppose to be me that is there for my babies!!!
I am glad I am getting this out of me here but I hope that the plans I am making now will get me to where I am happy and spending time with those I love most. My Dad needs me. My daughter’s need me too. I have to become the woman that I’m suppose to be… I start my life today… I have today, and what I do today will make what happens tomorrow be better or the same as always… I want better.