Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2013/03/24 under Uncategorized

Im writing this because i have never really had someone I could tell everything to so the truth is… If I could go back in time and keep my parents from splitting up (when I was a baby), maybe my dad would still be alive, maybe I could hear their words of encouragement, or maybe I would have a family that i could call home to when losers start pouring on their opinions of me, like they were a f***ing bartender at an AA meeting. I’d like to think if any of those were true maybe i would be that cheerful funny guy, maybe I would have a bunch of friends, or maybe I wouldn’t have problems sleeping at night. But none of those describe me. This is who I am; I’m someone who isn’t given a chance because he is the unfortunate owner of a sad countenance and a depressing history.
Imagine what it would be like growing and up not knowing your parents. Right off the bat it’s hard to make friends. There is always that lack of confidence, and that feeling of not knowing who you really are… It’s a different feeling all together to see parents with their children and at a young age, it hurts to be the one outside looking in. It takes its toll, and even on a good day that feeling somehow manages to make it back every… single…. night. Over time that toll chips away at your mind and body. It becomes hard to laugh, hard to smile, and hard to be friendly with others because they judge you before they’ve even spoken to you. So after you’ve been ignored, or forgotten countless times you would be standing where I am now… If you asked someone (who knows me) about what kind of guy I am, you might get words like antisocial, boring, distant, apathetic, unemotional, unconcerned, or loner. BUT all of those are wrong I act like that most of the time but it’s like a defense mechanism; when I don’t have friends around (ie new school, after friends move away, being a freshman in college.) Really im incredibly clingy, funny, and I’ve aways been concerned for my friends, because that all i’ve ever had. Don’t judge… even tho this is prob the gayest thing to ever come from a guys thoughts but secretly I long for affection. I’ve never been comforted by anyone because everyone thinks im the indestructible type. Really i’ll probably end up as the implosive type only to be long forgotten.

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