Posted by Anonymous on 2017/02/23 under Friends When I was younger, people told me, “if you have a dream, don’t be afraid to reach for it.”
Haha I want to slap those people so bad, we can’t decide our future, only our parents can…
I wanted to be an idol, someone who can dance, sing, and even synchronize with their group members. I want to make music, the type that make you open your eyes to see that the world is much more than just your daily routine. Doctors heal injuries, but I want to heal souls.
That was my dream.
To be able to make a song that said hey, you’re not alone. Because that music helped me get through. That music helped me fake my smile for longer than I thought I ever could. I wanted to do what the musicians did. It also shows people who I am. But those dreams are nothing but fairytales now. As I am fourteen, I have no choice over what I want to be in the future. All these years all I wanted was for my parents to actually feel proud to have me as a daughter. I wanted them to brag of how good I was, I wanted to make them proud so I never argued about anything. The always stayed home when they wanted me to, cleaned what they wanted me to, even cook for them when they wanted me to, but I never got a “good job” or a “you did really good”. It was always “it could of been better”, “you don’t seem to be as good as that other person”. Why though? I don’t understand why I’m not good. My goal was to make you proud, make you happy, even trying to complete your bucket list, and all I get is no and you could’ve done better. I even worried about you guys because the music work wasn’t in the states. It was international and I would have to be away for a long time. I worried about you and all you can tell me is no being a musician doesn’t get you money and no being a musician is a stupid idea.
I do sooo much I can to be the perfect daughter and when I told you this, you only expect the worst from me. I kept my mouth shut in the car today for a reason. I was never mad at you when you assumed so, I just wanted to look strong and I knew when I opened my mouth I was going to cry. I try to hold it in, but all you say is, “fine do whatever you want. You wil just get mad at me anyways and become a gangster so I won’t be able to control you anymore. I don’t care mess around in your future for gods sake do whatever you want if you don’t want to listen to me. I know you won’t get anywhere and you won’t become what I want you become because you’re too lazy to do anything anyways so I just gave up.” For gods sake, I never said I was mad at you, why do you always think I’ll be a gangster on the streets. Do you know how much it hurts when your mother thinks you’ll reach nowhere but the streets selling drugs! It hurts so much when you say that to me mom, and I told you everything about my current depression. You even said I was lazy when all I did in my life was for you. I told you this was my dream and you said you won’t ever support me on it. YOUR MY MOTHER, YOUR MY FATHER! I’ve been home all my life and you still wonder why I’m not good with people, not good with selling items. THATS BECAUSE IVE BEEN TRAPPED IN THIS DAMN HOUSE GOD DAMMIT! FOR YOUR SAKE TOO! I did everything for my parents and I know they’re trying to look out for me but even when I said I wanted to be a lawyer they said that job would never suit me. I have already begun to feel disconnected here. I don’t feel as if I belong anymore. I’m out of place. My friends even ask me what’s wrong with me because I had lost my usual laughter, while you don’t notice anything wrong with me. Even with my relatives and family I feel like the extra you keep just to watch the children. No one in my family treats me as if their own. I’m always the last one out. I guess dreaming and living a happy life was just not for me……
2 thoughts on “My futures foggy”
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Right. I feel sad and disappointed when my own parents discourage me and doesn’t have faith in me. I don’t like it when my parents compare me to other people. I don’t quite understand why but it’s just the way it is. We can’t blame them. They just doing what they think is best for us and sometime that “best for us” thing is what destroy us the most. Although dreams will remain dreams, I still think that as long as we have faith in ourselves we will find a way somehow.
I don’t know if I can. I always tried calling out, but no one responds. No one is listening and I feel that I cant really function properly anymore. My dreams have all died and I feel lost and things are just getting worse. My mother isn’t helping, neither is my father. They cant seem to get along anymore and I seem to always be the cause of it. I was joking with my sister about not going to school but mom took it seriously. my dad said it was my mothers fault I am like this and my mother blames me for the argument. Is it my fault? should I just give up? my dreams seem to be nothing but trash to them I don’t understand why I’m even here.