Posted by Xela.Q on 2015/07/11 under Uncategorized I am alone. I have no one to talk to for help. The truth is no one can help me nor should I expect anyone to. Relying on other people to help me control my demons is selfish. Why then, do I desire it so greatly?
All I want is to find solace in the arms of another, to make me feel protected and safe. To fight my demons right alongside me, through hell and back…
This fantasy is completely unrealistic. People like that do not exist, nor would they want to devote themselves to another’s trials so willingly. The mere thought of it makes me realize how naiveté actually am. The reality is I must do this on my own. There is no hero, no knight, no one to rely on but yourself… I’m such a fool.
The only real feeling I know is hate. I have learned to passionately hate myself. I try to live the life expected of me but I keep stumbling and failing. I am an imitation of a person. I may blend in from time to time but my soul does not being here. I cannot keep this charade going on indefinitely. I know that I am causing damage to the real people around me. Good people. Whole people. Damage that may never be repaired. What am I doing here…
I am so selfish. All I care about is myself. Even now I am wading in this pool of self pity that leads to nowhere. The hate I have for myself is comparable to true disgust and scorn. I wish I could be undone but that is unrealistic as well. I am here due to the inevitability of existence and I will, in such, inevitably stay here until my time has come.
Life is but a cruel combination of chemical reactions resulting from a series of chances at creation. Yet we all feel special or unique in some sort of way… what a joke.
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Love is what we all desire greatly. The dreams of being held and purely loved in the simplest most powerful way…..
The demons, they love to feast on us, pull us down, destroy us, and try to convince us IT IS EVERY-ONE ELSE, then after loneliness raps its tender fake ass love around us, we blame ourselves and want death or just bleakness……….blaaaa blaaa blaaaaa cough….
We just have to put our left foot forward, or crawl as far as we can. PEOPLE WILL FAIL US, sometimes daily….hourly and you know, its not hard to fall.
Its like you deal with so much of your own despair that you cant see past your own nose.
Come on courage, don’t be shy!
I made a list of 75 things I love, I was only going to do 10-20. It felt good to keep going. Trying to change my self talk, to some how love me……… trying is the key word. Most of all, I keep breathing, cuz if I stop I’m dead and before I die, I want to live out some of these dreams…….
So fight past the demons and the block-cades stacked up in your brain. And stop having conversations with your mind. The demons love to be sneaking there…….
At the end of the day, just try not to give up or surrender.