Posted by Hruzka on 2014/12/23 under Uncategorized feelings suck but not feeling sucks too, when I go for the non-existing middle ground fortunately? eventually I still somehow get shaken by it all and then I remember – feelings suck and now I dont know what to do it’s stupid
emptiness to say the least is weird
and draining.
but there is no middle ground
or I am unable to find it
and I can’t choose between those two extremes
I dont know if it’s even within my power
but I try
and I try
and when I try I am trying to find hope
but there is none
and no matter what – I fail and fall
every
single
time
I end up in a state of apathy instead
I end up not being here
and I may be kind of okay for a while with it
but it’s not a place you could call a home
because you don’t feel, you don’t think
you are but you aren’t.
you hide yourself
you lose yourself
and then you can’t find yourself
you disconnect, you get detached,
and the wheels of nothingness spin around,
everything becomes bland
your life is bland, your mind is blank
your routine is s***
you just pass time doing nothing,
or imitating stuff
suddenly everything seem unreal
suddenly even expressions are hard
you end up wondering:
what’s the point of surviving like this
hardly breathing,
almost not existing,
going nowhere
just floating
floating in vast nothingness
suffocating
suffocating under the weight of non existing void,
void that is unimaginably filling up
every single inch of you
someone or something,
usually the stupidest things wake me up
kind of
and I start to crave emotions
I want to feel
I want to be
I even demand the pain
and I give it to myself
I open myself up
literally and metaphorically
and just sometimes I feel kind of high
some kind of a hidden rush comes over me
it’s quiet but I can feel it
and for a second I am oh so glad
they overwhelm me
I stumble over nothing
and they overwhelm me even more
I lose control
and I hate myself for wanting to feel in the first place
I hate myself for fighting non-existing battles
but I revel in it
but I hate it
and I despise myself
and all I want to do is turn those feelings off
I want to escape
I want to not to think
I want to be calm and I want to float
and I dont want to be
and I dont want to feel
or at least I want to pretend
I try to
and I shove them down,
I shut them out
and voila hello darkness here I come again.
and the invisible darkness greets me with a cold hand
and it gives me the embrace I probably sought
and swallows me up like nothing which I am
and everytime I come back to it
the shade of dark seems to be somehow darker
and I sink deeper and I give myself to it easier..
is there a choice to be made?
No matter what, I still seem to fade
I dont trust
I dont trust myself
and I dont trust happiness
it only triggers me
and I dont trust people
they don’t need or want the real me (whatever that is)
and I disappoint
and I am disapointed
I dont want anything
but I want everything
I dont want to be happy anyomre
I just want to be and be okay with it
but that would probably be the ultimate hapiness
but which way do I go now?
maybe I need to delay
and maybe I need to distract myself
but that leeds me back to where I started too
It seems the choice is made no matter what
maybe
just maybe
there is a different choice to be made?
I’d never actually do that
would I?
It doesnt matter, I’m not able to decide anyway
so I’ll just be here
and I won’t
I’ll just float here and I’ll drown
I’m going to do it one more time
repeat
repeat
repeat
until someday, maybe, I will accept the defeat
and I’ll retreat.