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Posted by on 2014/07/29 under Uncategorized

Dad tells me today that he doesn’t want to hear it. He will take care of it, don’t worry about it.. Well its a bit late for that. Worrying is all I do lately. I’m starting to think its one of my greatest qualities. You need someone to dump all your problems on so you can go on ignoring reality? Then I’m your girl! Electric bill? Forget about it! You know I will be here to remember for you. Groceries? Who needs them when we can continue to eat boiled noodles for another few months. And don’t even mention our house foreclosing, I’m sure with my part time job as a line server I can come up with enough money to keep you in the dark for a little while longer.
If my dad is the captain on this sinking ship, my mom would be his first mate. Never wanting to upset the fragile balance of complete neglect, she sits quietly and emotionlessly as he tears away the floor from under us. Sometimes I just want to scream at her. when she lays defeated in her bed for hours. when she comes home from work and doesn’t even look up from staring at nothing. I just want to shake her until she wakes up from this coma of depression.
I have so much anger built up inside, at them, at me, at my siblings who seem to be just fine with dusting themselves off and moving on. If I did that then Dad never would have gone to get sober. If I did that then who would mom unburden her problems on? who would Emmalee have to look up to and count on?
What makes me more upset than anything is that I can’t just give up like they have. I love our family too much to see it breakaway into pieces until all that’s left are the old memories of what we use to be. I wish I could fix us, I really do. But I’m starting to realize that you cant make people see the truth when they refuse to even open their eyes.
I hope for their sake that they have a life boat ready, because with or without their awareness, we are going down.

And I might just jump ship before it gets the chance to drowned me too.

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