Posted by Anonymous on 2015/01/25 under Uncategorized My life has become quite loveless. I do have feelings and I can feel love for a person, for a cat. But I am forced to separate from them due to life’s circumstances. I couldn’t make any new friends in this strange new place, it’s been 4 years and counting. I can’t connect with people. People I work with are mostly selfish and uncaring. I don’t blame them. But when incidents of hurt build up gradually, the sum of the total is a bit difficult to bear. Honestly it hurts. But I am tired of feeling hurt so I try to detach myself. This detachment simply leads to more social disability. It’s not society anxiety because I feel very disabled. I am not the kind of person to easily trust people or make friends. Making friends / connections may work well for other people but never for me. Life experiences during these few strange years have made my shell harder and harder. I just feel I’m becoming more and more loveless. If I ever fall down no one would care. If I need help, nobody would help. I felt sad about this a while ago, but now I just accept it as a hard fact so I want to stop feeling sad. There are a few people who have been surprisingly kind to me. I love one of them. This love is hard to bear. Because we are not meant to be together. Sometimes it’s quite heart-breaking when he is sweet and kind to me. I don’t know why I want to cry after every time he helps me out. Maybe I feel so loveless for so long I can’t bear kindness and care from others. Like a water-deprived plant not knowing how to absorb water. Sometimes I’d rather he doesn’t care at all. I miss my cat in my home country. I want to get a cat to keep me company here but as I live alone I can’t get a pet. If I ever go on a trip no one would take care of the cat. I long for that little bits of love or care, yet I can’t come to terms with it when the very few people (especially the one I love) show this to me. I feel very loveless.
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You are loved. Whether you know it or not, someone out there loves you. My advice is try something new, sign up for a class of cooking or at the gym and see if you can just say hi to one person. You’ll never know what can happen with just saying hi.