Posted by manutd17 on 2014/12/25 under Uncategorized It Christmas Eve and here I am in my dark room typing away my emotions. It doesn’t feel like Christmas when your parents are fighting in the living room over a situation that you have caused. It doesn’t feel like the holidays when my whole body is filled with anxiety. It doesn’t feel like the holidays when your family members are all separately isolated in their own room. Talk about family bonding! My mom gave me a present to me earlier today. I couldn’t help but think all the sacrifices she had to make to get this for me. I felt bad and I honestly couldn’t emotionally accept this gift. I didn’t deserve any of this. I have been a horrible son lately. I have let everyone down. While every other family is cherishing, bonding, and having great moments, I’m here alone in my dark room, evaluating all the obstacles I have put in front of my parents for my own greed. When you reach that point, I think it’s safe to say ending your life is the best and most reasonable solution. Knowing that when you are gone, all the monetary problems will be gone, money will no longer be used on me but for something more important. No Christmas tree, no decorations, no fireplace, no warm toasty atmosphere. I can’t help myself but to be envious of the family who are all happy and joyful. They get along, everybody is bonding. So why me? I’m honestly not angry or mad anymore. I lost that feeling. It’s been used too many times. I can’t feel anything. My heart is numb. I’ve lost compassion. I’ve lost everything. At the end of the day knowing that you are responsible for this mess, it’s best that being gone is the most reasonable explanation. No one can ever be in my situation. Nobody has ever endured what I have been facing. Imagine me right now… It’s Christmas Eve and parents are yelling from the background. Do you think now’s a good time to be optimistic? Of course not. Now is the time for me to question and accept my place in life. I now doubt everyone who has been a part of my life especially my dad who never fails to break promises. I have no emotion towards that man. Dead or alive I wouldn’t care. Just the addition to Christmas is like a jab to the stomach. What God? Who is God? The fact that I proclaim myself to be a Christian is useless. I go to church, repent my sins, ask for forgiveness, pray to “God” for help and his holiness. Next day, next week, next year; my prayers still haven’t been answered. I guess it’s God’s way of telling me that I’m not part of his plans.