Posted by MMChelle on 2014/09/05 under Uncategorized I have been searching for this kind of site for awhile. Sometimes it isn’t so easy to express your thoughts to family. The words are always the same, “it will be alright.” When you are where I am in my head, those words don’t work or help.
It is coming up on a year since my grandfather killed himself. Even typing this, it is not easy. It has been years since my grandmother(his wife), died in a horrible car accident. It was a very difficult time for him, but with the family helping him move forward, he was doing well…we thought. Grandma and grandpa were my favorite people. I loved them dearly. I went through years where the accident affected my sitting in the car; where talking about my grandma was too difficult for me to do because I could only cry.
Grandpa’s death has hit me hard. I have always heard that suicide won’t get you into heaven. My thoughts ramble, get twisted and my heart hurts when I cry over not knowing where he has gone. Initially, all my heartache and tears led me to having a dream. I dreamt one night that I was this little girl again, and he was there with me. We were laughing, kidding around, just the two of us enjoying the time with each other. My heart felt so happy when I woke from the dream. I try to look at the dream as a good thing but knowing it was a suicide always leaves me so sad about his after-life, if he has one.
When I was a teenager, I came to know God. I accepted Him into my heart, prayed, thought about Him during my day and sang those inspiring songs in my head a lot. It wasn’t a relationship that I shared with people, just God. Then…something happened in my life, in me and for the first time in my life I lost my faith. I let go of the relationship I had with God because I came to believe He didn’t really care. I can admit that ever since I feel a giant hole in my life. I feel lost and sad most all of the time. I don’t know how to get it back, what to do because nothing I try to do feels right.
“People who commit suicide don’t get into heaven,” it hurts so much whenever I am faced with his death again. And then…I turn on the news one day and I hear that Robin Williams committed suicide. Somewhere, someone shows the clip of Robin being asked about heaven and I start crying hard all over again, for him…for my grandpa.
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I am not religious so I will not try to say I understand your confusion and torment. What I can share is my grandmother took her life. I like to think and believe she is in a place where she is content but knows she is missed and loved even after all of these years. Faith or not, do you believe your grandpa led a meaningful life and was human? If so just remember him as he was and that he was not perfect. Wherever our spirit goes is a place we are content. Not happy, not sad but content.