Posted by Anonymous on 2015/07/07 under Uncategorized Well, I’m not so sure if someone is going to read this but whatever, maybe I feel relieved to leave my secret somewhere. It all started when I was 15, now I’m 18 so it’s been three years now. I was diagnosed with a health condition that I’m still embarrassed to admit I suffer, but it it’s called scoliosis, which is basically that my spine is not straight like it should be. I was so shocked about it, I was only 15, a teen that was going to start high school, meet new people, maybe fall in love, but no, my treatment was so hard that instead of getting better I got psycholically worse. I was so embarrassed to tell my friends about this that I actually started my treatment without telling them, -wrong idea!- for my treatment I had to wear a corset that kept my spine all straight, obviously I had a lot of pain in my back and I looked weird, chubby and just, weird. I had to wear this thing 22/24 hours a day -I never could do that, it hurted so badly I just couldn’t wear it all day.- so this involved that I had to wear it in school, and when my friends found out about it, well, let’s say that I was more embarrassed than I ever was. I’m not sure If they were supportive or not, I mean they did help me with lots of thing I couldn’t do because I couldn’t move normally, but they used to make jokes about my corset, maybe they taught those jokes where innocent jokes but, I was feeling so so embarrassed that I had to show it somehow. -I have to say that I was feeling awful before I started going to school, just imagine, all your life you think you’re normal, then one day someone tells you you need to change everything about your life, how different you’re from all your friends, which I know it’s not bad, I have always felt different but this time it was not the same.- I had to escape from my thoughts and my feelings so I started to do the worst thing ever. Self harm. I started burning myself but I found that cutting was more pleasant. And I’m so good at hiding, because no one knows and it’s been 3 years now. Sometimes a friend might have seen one of my scars but I always tell them they just are scratches from my dog, till the day when a male friend saw some fresh cuts in my arm, he knew someone that used to self harm, so he knew where I got those scars,obviously I tried to lie, but it didn’t work with him, I had to accept I self harm but I asked him, BEGGED him for to say nothing, he understood so he has never opened his mouth, which I’m thankul for. But he made me realize that I couldn’t keep living like that, so I stopped harming last december, but I still have my relapses, mostly,I struggle with my mind, and I know it’s not easy to do this alone but I can’t tell my parents, I can’t tell to anyone. I don’t live a bad life, my parents love me, my friends too, and I just seem so normal, they maybe will think I’m just an attention seeker, AND I’M NOT. I’m trying to get closer to God, he’s been helping me so much, I’m so thankful with him, but still, I’m a human, I still feel awful for doing this to myself, I know God forgives me for my behavior but sometimes I feel I’m not worth it, I guess I still have a long life to live and to fight for, maybe, just maybe I will end with my bad thoughts, I just don’t know if I have a mental disorder or if I’m healty, I guess I’ll never know. But well, I’ll find my way in life. -NS
2 thoughts on “How I think I ruined my life.”
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Hello! I just want to ask you to cheer up. I think you at least have a reason to think like this, to feel like the way you feeling-your physical condition. I wish I had your problem rather than having a social phobia issue where physically I am more smart than most other men but mentally I am a freak!!I am scared of people for nothing. You are afraid that people will point at your physical condition and laugh at you. But this is not the case. Some might feel sorry for you and give you a hug. But in my case people definitely laughs at me with no exception when I get scared or feel shy talking to them!!
So feel better my friend. Your life is beautiful.
Hi,
I know it is really bad out there. I have been through this social phobia but then one day I thought why should I be scared? Have I done anything wrond ? No. It is better if we stop thinking about those weird people and start thinking about ourselves. What we can do rather than what we cannot.
Cheer up! Have faith in yourself.