Posted by behind4visions on 2014/10/15 under Uncategorized behind 4 visions – I suffer with depression my username took me about behind 4 visions – has depth and meaning – I am aware that most of these doctors have degrees – I am 23 years old p.s don’t smile if you aren’t happy
– I suffer with anxiety
– I suffer with borderline personality
– I suffer within trying so hard to help myself
and the issues that surface around me and inside my mind / body
a couple of minutes to think of
but almost a hour or more to understand
what it means to me and what it represents to me
as a individual in this chaotic world …
– you ever wonder how the world looks from someone else vision
– I’m aware we are all human
but are you aware we all see this world different
no I’m not speaking upon just within our eyes but also …
– culture, nationality, ethnicity, LGBT, age
experience sufferings, growing up etc
– I’m 23 still fighting myself
I accept all the problems that surface
I also try and challenge myself to find newer
ways to help myself other then the help
doctors claim they can achieve …
but are you aware that most workers just want to get paid
I suffer in my own mind
and what do I receive medication that puts me to bed
do you not think I want to go about my day
maybe I don’t wanna be stuck at home
maybe I wanna face my fears of reality
and maybe I wanna go to a store and enjoy
myself without freaking out or having someone
yell in my face because I pause and worry
and get overwhelmed …. ever think that ?
you know I have a great therapist and we do have an amazing
relationship I am also aware they say those never last
but you see I won’t say her name because anyone can
stumble onto this and get her in trouble
I have tried to kill myself about two years ago
they didn’t keep me they let me go
I moved back to New York
after some months I didn’t get support
my family has no idea have
of what I go through and their half of my problems as well
but you see this is the mind f***
they tell you take your medication
talk to me open up
say everything you feel and boom
they judge you, and swear that your overreacting
or better yet you just need some sleep
or behind our backs they’ll say
bad things bad comments or even
act as if they care to help
when in reality its just the pay check
to help them keep a home to help them reach their expenses
and etc
but who helps me at 2 am ……… *crickets*
no one we have options of helps and the main one
is to put ourselves in a hospital
I thought we were human too
but you know something
no matter all your studies
and all those degrees and all that money
you will never understand how I feel
or what runs through me
you study me and my problems
to believe you know the outcome
many people feel this way and maybe others feel worst
then what I do
but here is the issue
there are so many people acting as if their crazy
because they think its some kind of romance
but let me break it down to you
IT ISN’T !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– I said that I know but I needed to make that clear
you have no idea if this is coming from a male or a female
that’s the other mind f*** …
I suffer everyday with this with my mind
with not knowing who to turn too or whom to trust
its like someone is playing tug a war
and I’m losing so bad
and just when I feel that I am reaching an amazing day
it just knocks me out
but I still get back up
– I don’t get paid for this
– I didn’t sign up for this
– but I wouldn’t change whom I am for who society
and others around me are
– I never took medication
and the times that I actually tried
I ended up in the hospital in tenth grade for one
so called concentrating medication
and as I got older at the age of 21 I gave em a try
and that was massive hell
I wasn’t able to speak or even understand where
I or my mind was I feel that I have no control
with my mind and to have a medication make me feel
100% worst then what I normally do whenever I wake up
or right before bed and that is even if I get rest
I didn’t like it and didn’t want any part of it
– I moved back to New York I turned 23, nine days ago
I had ran through 3 psychiatrist because none made me feel
comfortable and here I am with a male psychiatrist
and a female therapist ..
– he started me on medication at least he thought
I was gonna start it but I didn’t and I didn’t because
I want actual help
I want to know myself and my problems more deeper then
what they feel to me in my mind and what they cause me to do
– I stopped cutting at the age of 21
– my last pill pop was in May
I looked for ways to numb this pain till I realized It made me feel worst
and I don’t wanna feel worst then what I already do
– I break into pieces everyday
I never stabled myself to caring for events
or to even keep friends
the way I run my friendships are mental and emotional connections
here is the mind f*** to me
– I use f*** a lot sorry not sorry
I have a lot of associates but only because
they all come to me for advice even strangers
now everyone trust me that comes to me and I do hell of a good
job at being here for them
because maybe it isn’t just cause I love helping people
but because I never had someone there for me
whether it was a family member or a friend or even a partner
but because I believe no one should be left behind or made feel see through
– I have been verbally abused, even physically
but here I am being the strong person that I know I need to be
not just for myself
but because I know how hard it is to not have anyone
who actually cares to sit and listen
– it’s 11:39 pm
I’m not sure when I started typing
but writing is all I have writing is the only way
I know to release these thoughts
– take a deep breath and know you aren’t alone
that there might be 100 or even more just like you waiting
to approach you hoping you can help them and maybe they wanna help you
please don’t ever let anyone tell you
that you’re just crazy and that you have no say
because we are human
and we suffer and no one will ever understand that
– ” trust yourself before you trust anyone else ”
because in the long run you’ll never know whom has motives
and who actually wants to better you mentally, emotionally and physically
there are more like us actually suffering
not pretending to be or even go through situations for romance
so reach out and just know
others are watching others feel what you feel
and some are even looking up at the sun wondering should they continue
or does escape sound better …
they look at the same night sky wondering should I sleep till tomorrow
or should I sleep forever
– I wanted to write so much more
but I’m very emotional now just letting this all out
but I love you and I support you
and I believe in you, just like I tell myself someone believes in me
smile because you will accept the chaos
and one day you will find a better way
to get you through this journey of chaos