What is there to live for? My mother wont talk to me. It’s been since 2007. She has her own anger bouts and regrets and depression over her own childhood and death of my grandmother. It’s been mentioned several times she might suffer from a mental disease – unknown. My youngest brother ran away last August, abandoned his wife of 10 years and hasn’t contacted anyone. Its only a few short months of a year he’s been missing. He is my only full blood sibling. He made me feel normal, that I finally had what everyone else did. I didn’t feel so estranged or alone anymore when we met for the first time in 97. Our mother kept him a secret. I found out about him when meeting my father for the first time in 96. I met my father when he was in the late stages of ALS. He passed away in 2003. My grandmother – my bestfriend suffered from Diabetes, Schizophrenic, and Anger displacement. She passed away in 1999 due negligent medical care she received at a rehab facility; ones where they send you when your insurance makes you feel like this is where you are going because of where you aren’t in life. She suffered a stroke because some nurse shut off her medication pump instead of plugging it into the wall when the battery got low. I have seen my mother beaten, attempt suicide, cry nore times than I can count, tell me I would have to pretend to be her niece instead of her daughter so some guy wouldn’t think she wanted him to be my daddy.
I am in love with someone who appears to despise themselves because of how the world has made her feel. I have my own anger bouts as well and I have lashed out without even knowing it. My feelings have been shut off for years..I came alive when I fell in love..I awakened and realized what feelings were..I felt a rythym within I wasnt’t familiar with until you..She is filled with pain and wounds because she was made to stand out because like the rest of us, who aren’t perfect but the world has done it’s fair share of making her realize her every flaw, fault, and imperfection. Emotions become displaced and raised voices fill the air often. My head spins. I am not saying I am innocent.
Life – a puzzle when even put together has no image or reflection of anything meaningful
I hurt others because I hurt. I don’t mean to. But it keeps happening. Fear contols my life which makes me unwaringly control others out of fear getting caught in the crossfire of their mistakes no matter how big or small.
No marriage, no family, no grandmother, no father, no brother, no mother, and worst of all, I’m losing the only star that has ever made me pause and become awakened to the feeling of…feeling.
Mom I wont bother you..Eric I won’t look for you..Nanny I miss you..Daddy I wonder who you were..Leigh..no need to stay away anymore because there won’t be anyone to stay away from.