ive never been genuinely honest with myself, i mean yeah we all lie, but i think the person i lie mmost to is myself. i tell myself im happy. every day. i fake laughs, i fake smiles. every day i wake up and tell myself that the world is a good place, im not lonely, everything is going to be okay. half the time i dont even know what im doing. i might be lying right now. its like i cant tell anymore. i dont care. im in over my head. im numb. im drowning. but no one sees it. thank god no one sees it, because then id have to talk about it. i dont want to be lonely anymore. i want to find someone like me, and just fix everything. and i did. we talked for months. but he wanted to be more than friends. he always did, and i always felt like i wasnt ready for it. i felt like if i procrastinated and waited a little while it would change, but it didnt. i was hoping he would stop liking me and we could just be friends, or i would be able to tell him that i liked him and we would be happy together. because hes amazing, hes everything. but i was too much of a coward. and he was the stronger person. he finally told me that if i ever wanted to be together to talk to him but otherwise just stop because we werent getting anywhere. and it was true. dont get me wrong, im not suicidal. i dont cut, i dont burn things, i dont smoke. i would never think about taking my own life. after that i was so sad though. i went out with my best friend to her boyfriends party and we got so drunk i forgot half the night. but there is something i remember, when we got back to her house, somehow, we ended up having sex. im not a lesbian. i havent even ever kissed someone!! but ive had sex with my best friend. sometimes i just want the world to pause. sometimes i just want to take a ton of sleeping pills and fast foreward to the next day even though the next day is going to be the same and the day after that. i want change, but im to afraid to make it happen. i act like im brave but im such a liar. im not real. this person isnt real. i dont know who i am. the world is so f***ed up, im f***ed up. i just want everything to be okay. but it feels like it never will be.