I just can’t stop thinking about what I did. I know it was the right decision for me at the time. I know it was the right thing to do for the BOTH of us at the time. But 4 years on I am still tormenting myself with the ‘what if’s’ of the situation. What if I didn’t have my abortion? Would I have had a boy? or a girl? Would I be happy? Would I be able to wake up in the morning thinking that becoming a mother at 17 was ok? Would my family have supported me if they had known? Should I even tell my family?
Every year around the time of my abortion I feel like a stranger inside my own body. I want to cry, and rage, and just let it all out. But I am scarred of telling any one what happened.
I often have the feeling like I am a murderer and that I should be punished for my crime. Like I should be killed for aborting my child. I am a horrible person and I just don’t know how to cope with it. I have found it so hard to connect with people since then. I am petrified of relationships and the thought of having other childern. Like I don’t deserve to have another child after the one that I signed the death order for.
I wish I was able to wake up in the morning and know that what I did was right for me at that stage of my life. Knowing that it opened my eyes to my own naivity and the frailty of human existence. But each night I still go to sleep wishing that I don’t wake up in the morning. Wishing that all the pain would disappear. Wishing to die.