I don’t know why I do this, but I allow myself to get depressed. To become so hung up on other people’s outer appearances and lives that I look back on mine with hatred and disgust and feel nothing but inferiority. It’s not like this all the time- I often have moments of happiness and feeling important and good enough and pretty, but recently I have become so hung up on appearance. Am I as pretty as her?! Are my clothes cute enough?! Is my skin clear enough? Is my hair shiny enough? Do I have enough friends? Why is she better than I am?
I don’t know what it is that makes me feel this way. I just start looking at pictures on facebook and BAM just like that- DEPRESSED MOOD. I want to be happy ALL THE TIME. I want to feel pretty all the time I want to feel special all the time but I cant. Something is holding me back and I don’t know what it is.
I try to remind myself that I AM good enough. That I’m unique. That people love me and like me. That I am pretty and cool enough. I hate this feeling though. That I am the only one going through this and that I’m alone and lost. Something tells me my hormones are a little out of wack but I’ll just try and write through it.
I hope these moments are making me stronger. I think the only way they CAN make me stronger is if I push through these feelings. If I look myself in the mirror and say YOU ARE WORTH IT. And let myself know that I am PRETTY and smart and funny. But it’s hard to believe sometimes. It really is. Sometimes I feel ugly and dumb and stupid and absolutely not funny at all and if I really want to become a better person then I think I probably have to push through these dull moments and remind myself that I’m not so bad. And that looks don’t really matter all that much anyways, and that I must press on and continue soul searching.
I will probably never look back and read this just because I’m so intimidated by my own thoughts. It bothers me immensely that I even GET depressed like this. Perhaps I should go work out.. get some endorphins flowing. I really don’t know. I do know that it’s not healthy to dwell on appearances or superficial things, and that true happiness doesn’t come from looking pretty. These things are hard to remember though. Guess I’ll keep on trying.