I’ve tried writing my thought s on paper but it hasn’t exactly helped. I did feel a bit better. I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember and low self esteem even longer. I’ve travelled across Australia to be at my boyfriends best friends wedding. My bf is the best man and I used to be good friends with the groom also but I had a fight with him 9 months ago and although I though things had been cleared up I’ve since found out he is holding a grudge. He has made me feel unwelcome the ilwntire time here and I feel like I don’t even exist. It’s the night before the wedding and I have been looking forward to this ever since they announced their engagement but now I don’t even want to go. I came home tonight crying and googled ways to commit suicide. No one wants to be my friend because I’m useless and worthless and I don’t blame them. My boyfriend never wants to have sex anymore. I tell myself he has a low libido but I’ll find used socks or undies hiding in the back of his drawer or the porn site will be in the Internet history. It makes me feel so unattractive and unloved but again I dOnt blame him. I’m ugly fat and disgusting. He deserves to find someone better. Someone that his friends like. His dad killed himself almost a year ago. He electrocuted himself. I was the one that found him and he looked very peaceful although I’ve read it can be painful. I’m thinking I could either do the same as him or I can save up as much sleeping tablets as possible and then mix that with alcohol and a tub full of water. Fall asleep and then drown. My bf prob wouldn’t even notice I was gone and I barely see my family. Friends are pretty much non existent. Plus my bf seems to be doing well after his dad dying so even if he did love me I know he would bounce back quickly and probably even be relieved I was off his hands.