i feel so alone. i’m not, really, but i feel like it. i’m not motivated to do much. i’m a rather large person. some people really enjoy my company. but i can be unpleasant, at times. i’m somewhat needy. i’m a jealous person. i’m in love with my best friend, and i know she’ll never feel the same. she’s a very guarded person. and she’s not a typical girl. she’s very uncouth. i also really want to have sex. i’m afraid of dying. of ceasing to exist. i don’t really have faith in God. i call his name, i try and reach him, but i can’t make myself believe that there is all knowing being out there somewhere, with control of our fates. i wish i believed in him with all my heart. but i can’t. my parents are divorced. my dad hates my mom, and lives five hours away with my siblings and his fiance. my mom is a binge drinker and has been addicted to various drugs. my grandmother takes like 13 different pills a day, and is missing a kidney, and will soon be using a walker. we both take the bus to where we need to go. i’m really happy, just to be alive. no lie. but, we’re all going to die one day. i dont want eternal abyss. i dread it. alive, i dread it. dead, it wont matter. i want to be a writer. or a homicide detective. but i don’t want to die. thank you, reader. if my books make it, i will address you as such. “reader.”