I…I don't know what to say or start from where. I feel like am stuck in the middle of a big ocean directionless, hopeless, worthless. I can either drown in the ocean or swim forward in any direction ,at least I will get somewhere but I shouldn't get emotional and make decisions in haste. I feel so pathetic for subconsciously waiting for somebody to pick me up from the middle but I also know that ain't happening. I have to do something and make a wise decision for myself now or never!
I also can't help but wish for HIM to be there, at the end or be with me, through my journey! but that ain't happening…illusions,attractions,infatuation, obsession,addiction. This things are what people say I have for him, making me feel like a criminal,INFERIOR, dirt, loser sinner, wrong, impure.. know I am not impure, though I do watch porns and have masturbated(LMAO) but I am not IMPURE!! Then why are the things I have and feel for HIM forces me to forget about HIM,his existence? I feel so wrong for wanting him, cause he is a legend in Himself.He is, to me, a simple ,sweet man trying his very best each and everyday! But I guess that is what it is, that makes him a great person.
I want to want HIM even though it's so wrong… I want to make best out of myself, push and stretch myself and my limits for HIM, just so I can be on the same level as HIM..He..He and his friends are worshipped, literally, by the world or their fans. There are millions , trillions of people, females wanting HIM and I feel wrong to be one of them. It's a celeb crush, yes, but I have had my fair shares of them, yet,none of those cases were like this!! Maybe it's just a Teenage thing but I dislike myself for this silly thing, I always assume that it'll all be over when I get completely out of this teenage phase , leaving him in my current phase and moving on. The sound of a fresh start seems fresh, pleasant but then I admit I won't be able to LOVE any man, like I Love HIM. Again,this is a teenage thing maybe but I'll soon find out! Hopefully I will be able to move on and it'll be that, that we were NEVER,EVER meant to be together.But if it's just not a Teenage thing, I am doomed cause I'd never be able to be with HIM, or at the least MEET HIM.
I need to focus on MYSELF and I hope eventually this crazy, silly thing will fade out!