I need to learn to have tough skin. That's what I have heard my whole life. I'm emotional. So I try to cover them all up, push them all down. Then I become unhealthy. Unhealthy and weak. Holding all my guilt and emptiness around with me at all times.
I want to die but I'm not f***ing selfish enough to take my own life. I sit in the shower and cry really contemplating on if they really need me. I always come back to yes. They need me to take care of them, nurture them, teach them, tell them that they are good enough. I know they will be like me an emotional basket case. I'm going to need to be there for them.
If I was to end my life before fate says otherwise then they will be f***ed up worse. I can't do that to them. Their fathers cold. At times he shows that he loves us but it's not often. It's hard for me and I'm his wife. I hope I just fill the void, so I tell them that I love them even at my lowest. I do special things for them like make meals they like or buy things we can do together. I want to be gone and I'm sure they can feel that to some degree. It hurts!