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Posted by on 2020/04/11 under Life

I need to learn to have tough skin. That's what I have heard my whole life. I'm emotional. So I try to cover them all up, push them all down. Then I become unhealthy. Unhealthy and weak. Holding all my guilt and emptiness around with me at all times.
I want to die but I'm not f***ing selfish enough to take my own life. I sit in the shower and cry really contemplating on if they really need me. I always come back to yes. They need me to take care of them, nurture them, teach them, tell them that they are good enough. I know they will be like me an emotional basket case. I'm going to need to be there for them.
If I was to end my life before fate says otherwise then they will be f***ed up worse. I can't do that to them. Their fathers cold. At times he shows that he loves us but it's not often. It's hard for me and I'm his wife. I hope I just fill the void, so I tell them that I love them even at my lowest. I do special things for them like make meals they like or buy things we can do together. I want to be gone and I'm sure they can feel that to some degree. It hurts!

3 thoughts on “Skin

  1. lisa says:

    dear stranger- I don’t know how I got here really- just wanted to research how to begin writing blogs- but that all looked too complicated- more than I want to try to learn- so I just typed in “is there somewhere online where I can just write” and so I found this site, and after skimming over the first 5 pages of what people write- I thought- man , thisis a collection of pretty vilgar- cruel people just ranting about nonsense , but I went one more page- and see this post you wrote… I have to say- I feel you. I hsve definatly felt very similar, too many times – to what you describe.. and I gather that you are a married woman, with children, in a loveless , hard relationship, contemplating suicide… I have recently ( well, a year ago) went through several months of very painful contemplation and even planning, and preparing to take my life. I too, am a woman. I too, have kids. but Ive never been married. however, have had the heartache of being in a loveless, unsupportive relationship(s) with men, and with myself. I was so back and forth with questions and answers about how badly I want to die, but lke you, one part says , that’s selfish, I don’t want to f up my kids even worse, but then again, how can it be any better while I know my demenure must be felt by them, seeing m as such.. so then that “Im not that selfish” turned into “im a f***ing coward” and then – to a very rational logic I came up with as to what how and why that nearly led me to actually take the step towards truly- killing myself. as parents, just because we are does not mean we do everything right, does not mean we have all the answers, does not even mean we understand how to – because like our children- we are the same, just aged into adults. and that’s bewildering enough, to be yourself , cos when you have children- you are no longer a “self” you are as many “self’s ” as the number of children you have. I have two, so I am no longer one individual, but I am 3. you understand? so that right there is the first obstacle, you have to find a way to allow you be the one individual you SOMETIMES. and if you don’t know anymore who YOU are, you have to keep searching. I too , want a good happy life for my children- and I wish their father would do better, to show them love, to guide them towards being wonderful human beings as they grow… and not to say that he doesn’t want that too, for them- but certainly falls short of showing and doing so… I hate to tell you this- there is no easy way. you just gotta dig up all the love in your soul, in your heart- and muster up the strength, in heaps or in little granuels, whatever it takes- because although I don’t know you- by what you wrote – I can tell your a deeply “feeling” person, and a caring , nurturing person, so I definatly know that deep down, through all the fronts you must uphold, through all the pain and agony of sorrow and breaking down- you are a wonderful, loving person- who has been stripped of her own self love, because you need to love so much- your family… that tells me- you have this lion heart inside you. however far away and full of sorrow , however very faint and small now- doesn’t matter as far as greatness and purpose are concerned, because you are wounded and broken doesn’t make you instead- a mouse- you are a lion. a lioness. you have majesty- you have something so great , rooted in your very exsistance- and what that is – is compassion and LOVE. one who loves so deeply then will be also hurt so deeply. but don’t put your light out. please? force yourself to try a different approach, not with the husband- but with YOU. try something new- search, try, explore, go ONE TIME to a yoga class, or take ONE guitar lesson, or- lock yourself in a room with plenty of floorspace- blast some music and dance. even if you don’t know how. just keep searching until you begin to get a fingerhold on something that has the potential to make you feel like YOU CAN DO IT. or at least- inspired to do it. go get a new pair of pantyhose, but them on, spend 3 hours getting ready , put on make up and some outfit you feel good in and just- even if you go nowhere. I know the last part may not make too much sense or seem a little vain, but when you feel like you look better- you may actually feel better- even if just a little. at this point any little bit is more than you had- so go for it. I wish I knew you- lived close by you- I would help youu in any way could. My heart aches for you. its also possible that your husband might be a narrccisist. im no psyco-analyst- but recently discovered that such a personality even exsists, and wow- it sure explained a lot for me and my situation. that combined with the individual being a very linear, analytical personality type. and it crushed me- I mean- almost obliderated me. but like you- though I wanted nothing to but just die because I was so restless and overwhelmed with greif and pain and all my self worth was drained- I came to the end of a very fine thread of ending my life… but like you- I know I cant leave my kids alone if I can help it- in this cruel world I bore them into.. and so many other contemplations etc, you know because you go through it with yourself too. all I can tell you though, stranger – is that your life is worth more than just- letting go- giving up, failing. you are worth so mmuch- just hang on, okay? if you want to write back to me- I hope you can , here on this website. like I said I found it by accident so I don’t know all of its dynamics- but if you want to and are able- I will keep watching here- for a reply from you- if you want to. whoever you are though- and wether you respond or not- even as a stranger, I will tell you this and swear it the truth- that without you in this world- more people than you even realize- will suffer a great loss. your kids, yourself- and even me, a stranger who knows that you were not born to fail and die,you are hurting and no one can measure your pain but you- because you are trying to endure it. it is valid and it is very real- and I hate that you feel such pain. its not my fault- but I am sorry. but please hang on. please keep trying. it is always easier to kill the light inside of onesself- than it is to defeat the darkness that’s all around ones self. when I think in that way- it makes me want to burn brighter. leave your light on momma- leave it on , turn it up, start spreading it out as much as you can until it is greater than the darkness.

  2. lisa says:

    I don’t know if you got myrespone to your post. I hope so. just checking back…

  3. Anonymous says:

    sorry for the spelling and grammar errors

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