my problem may sound very silly. but i could really use some help now. i aspire to be a writer one day and that's why i chose BA English. I failed my 12th due to various problems that prevailed in my home. i took a gap year and then i joined college. i worked really hard and i used to stress myself out during exams. the result was good. i scored first in all four semesters.i made my mom really proud. i don't know whether it's because i failed , but i became obsessed with marks. i used to stress myself to complete my portions 100% for every exam.now i am in my final year.i fell sick as i didn't take good care of me . i got ulcer. i didn't college for 19 days. i missed my first internals.during this time i realized i am losing touch of who i am by stressing myself out to be perfect. i love reading. but its been five months since i read a good book. i started seeing reading as work. not just that i also have poor eating and sleeping habits. i want change myself. i want to be who i am . i also realized i care so much about what others think of me. Now i have got my second internals in a week. i missed lot of classes so i don't know my portions to prepare. and all my major papers are tough this time. friends ? lets just say they're glad i missed out a lot of classes. that's how it really is. they hang out and all but when it comes to marks. they're not friends. i am procrastinating everything. i keep sulking and complaining. sometimes i just want to take a nap and never do anything. how do i deal with all this? is it okay if i don't score first this time ? does it matter if i lose marks this time just to get my real self back ? how do i come out of this phase? does this phase happen to everyone ? does others opinion really matter in my life ?