I don’t understand. When we met, you were perfect. WE were perfect. Then, the minute I go on a family vacation, you cheat on me with a 13 year old girl. YOU’RE 19. What is wrong with you?! You’re not who I thought you were, but somehow you convinced me, again, that we could make it work. A month later, talking to more girls. A few months after that, a handful more.
But, despite the numerous times you hurt me and f*** up, SOMEHOW I still care. WTF. Any normal person would leave you behind. I fit the typical stereotype for every 18 year old girl. It doesn’t matter how many years we were together, somehow I’M still the one that everyone is going to see as the moron here.
Then, of course, after months of everything working perfectly and our relationship going so smoothly, we take the next step. An apartment. This is why no one respects me. Because I keep coming back to you. Sure, things went well for a while, but then my ignorance ceases and I realize all the s*** you’ve been hiding. REALLY? A dozen other girls, just in the past couple of months?! You must think I’m the dumbest person on the planet. I might as well be, since I have given you a thousand and one chances.
Last week, we talked. Again. Reconnected and tried to get to the root of this crazy, f***ed up problem. Things felt okay. I told you that I still care, even though I’ve tried to keep that a secret for weeks. Then, just days later, I find out about Brit. And she isn’t the only one…
I wish I could just f***ing understand this. Your parents and siblings have been more of a family to me than my own. Everyone around you is living proof that angels do exist, and that was hard to believe after everything I’ve been through in life. Yet, somehow you were the one that turned out like this. How is that possible?
I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. This is just a repeat of every teen-based, drama-filled tv show.
You what makes it worse? I hate myself. I can barely live with the thought that I will never be good enough. Not for you, not for anyone. No one has ever accepted me and cared for me like you did, and now I know that was all just pretend. I have a year left on this apartment lease and I’m living with a nightmare.
After all this, I should hate you. But the only person I can’t stand is myself. Somehow, my f***ed up heart still cares. And no one is going to understand. Hell, I don’t even understand anymore.
p.