I want to die. And not in an overdramatic 17 year old girl kind of way. I’m not going to act on it. I never will. I’m definitely not gutsy enough. Today I did something that was my personal equivalent of coming out, and it definitely did not feel good, and afterwards all I really needed was the attention of one of my old friends. I’m trying to avoid the word “Ex”. But all I got was the pity of someone I respected. And now I just want to die.
What scares me the most is that I will never be able to hold onto anyone for more than a little bit. My dad likes to tell me he will always be alone. He will never be in a relationship. I’m beginning to understand that. Clearly I can be loved. I have someone now who desperately loves me, but I grow tired of people so quickly.
All I can do is sit here in my bed at nearly 4 in the morning and hope to God that bipolar disorder isn’t genetic.