I really don’t know how I stay composed. This pain, this hurt.I am tired so tired of keeping my feelings in, but I know I won’t be able to take it if I start to let it out. I am so afraid I won’t be able to come back. Actually, I am struggling financially as it is. If I let my wall crack and it comes tumbling down, how am I going to survive the emotions. I need my job, Its hard enough as it is to do my job. If I let it all out, I won’t be able to work. I can’t afford to take time off. But I know if I open up, I am not going to be able to stop it. Its all going to come tumbling out. All at once. I am afraid of what is there. I am afraid I won’t survive it. I feel so lost so alone. I have pushed everyone away because when I feel, I get so close to breaking down. Here comes the wall. I thought I could open up here, but I can’t cause its hurting too much. Too much emotion. Shut it down. Pretend the pain is not there. Pretend everything is ok