I want to be honest and say that I feel lonely. I wake up every morning and follow the same routine, thinking that maybe today is the day that I am going to find love. Yes! Love. I want to fall in love and have someone love me in return, I have been waiting for such a day. The day I meet a guy that won’t be afraid to call me his boyfriend. It seems I am only capable of pulling in no strings attached, isn’t it funny how only they attach to me. The first guy I fell for did not love me back and he broke my heart. It seems I was going in circles, nonetheless I thought we could really be something together. Now we are friends, yet every time I see him I can’t help but think, what if? What if he would have allowed me to love him? To welcome him into my open arms, but love is not a one way street you know. His presence has made itself at home in my heart and I can’t shake him out, can’t he understand the terms of agreement did not include him making an indefinite stay in my heart?
And now I really messed up, endangering a friendship I do not want to lose. He has been my friend and confidant, yet I feel that it is not the same anymore, because maybe it can’t be the same. We have crossed the boundaries, me thinking I could love him and him… Well I do not know. Yet, we will be fine, but I know we can’t keep doing this anymore either. We shouldn’t, we cant. He was one of the first friends i ever really had, who made me feel comfortable in my own skin, who made me realize, I can be this person who today I am. I love you, but I guess not they I wish I could.
My mentor told me to go out and mingle, and I guess that is what I should do, but not mingle, but close off my heart. Think that I am unable to love or that I am unfit to do such a thing. I have often said that I am a patient human being…but how long can I really wait? How long…how long? I don’t know. But tomorrow I am going to wake up once more but loving the world in a different way. With my arms open wide to receive all the good things the world has to offer to me. I am going to wake up with my head clear and a new definition of me. Even if it pains me, I am going to love but not love at the same time. I am going to accept. Love accepting and accept love. I guess, even if my partner is not by my side, I can wait. I can wait and learn to love myself, who I am, what I can do, and who I can become. I am going to love, love the possibilities.