I have made kind people hurt and they deserved better, and there are many who went through worse than I ever will and still chose the right path, remained good, ya know.
This never ending compounding feeling; feeling as though life should be better implies I feel I DESERVE better. I sure as hell lost the right to feel that way, and I have more work to earn that right back than I have time left alive. Even writing this is just a way to feel like I am doing something to make things right, without really doing anything.
But I will try, as soon as I get unstuck, and god I hope that's soon. Been living in my head for a long time and if it was worth anything it's that I have gained a little perspective. It is hard to see yourself past your ego, to actually get behind your own curtains, but I have learned how to enough to know how ugly it's gotten.
Real ugly.
I hope there will (at least) be time to tell everyone I get it now, and that I am very sorry.
I speak to you every day on my way into work, pretend you're in that passenger seat so much that I might just materialize you one day. Whether that or I just get to come pick you up ever again, you're the last bit of fire I have in my blood and I hope you know it's still just the way it's always been.
Got a lot of work to do, but as soon as I've earned it I'll be there. Hope you'll be there too.