I don’t know how to deal with my emotions, they’re too strong. I’ve always tried just pushing them down, hoping they’ll go away, but I don’t think it’s going to work this time. I love this guy too much. He’s got such a warm kind smile and dark messy brown hair. I really miss him and it’s getting in the way of things. I draw him during zoom classes when I should be paying attention, he constantly fills my head with thoughts. “I wonder if he’s eaten today?” “I wonder how his day went.” “I hope he’s okay” etc. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Or at least not to this extent. It’s probably cheesy, but I’d genuinely do anything for him. I’d lay down my life just to see him smile and I don’t know how to deal with that. It makes me feel so vulnerable, so scared. Ignoring it has just strengthen these feeling and it’s not that I want my love for him to just completely wither and die, that’s what makes me human, I just don’t know what to do with them. I’ve got school, I’ve got dreams, aspirations. If I choose him, if he even likes me which he doesn’t, what will happen to me? Will I just loose all of those. What if I become some sort of housewife. Not that that’s bad it’s just that I’m really stuck on becoming like a police psychiatrist and really helping people on a much greater scale. If I choose to follow my heart, my love, not even with him in specific but in general, what will become of my dream? Life is so complicated. Why can’t I just be six again. Not that elementary school was exactly that great of a place either. Why would he even like me anyway? I don’t wear makeup, I don’t have the confidence to wear crop tops or jumpers. I don’t have boobs or curves yet. I’m just some nerdy ass girl. Like who the f*** wants to talk about Nintendo, or the new breath of the wild game that’s coming out. He’d rather play madden mobile on his phone with his friends, which I’m okay with, they’ll make him happier than I ever could and there will never be a time when that’s not going to hurt no matter how numb I get. I’m not pretty enough, I’m not athletic enough, I’m not smart enough, I’ll never be good enough for him, but there’s a girl out there who will be. It doesn’t matter what happens I’ll support him no matter what. I can at least be a friendly face.