I f***ing hate you. I f***ing hate you. I f***ing hate you and how you've treated me and girls and I hate that you're in too much of a position of power now for tales of your a******ry to override your fame. I hate that I feel like you've taken me from me. I want to reclaim myself but I don't know how. After caring so deeply for someone who shared so much of your identity and subtle likes and dislikes, how do you rebuild your Self and feel secure in it? I cut you out of my life but the truth is I f***ing hate you and miss you at the same time. I hate hearing your name. I hate seeing it online. I hate not knowing how you really felt about me. I hate that you said, "I hate you," in an anguished, tortured way and wouldn't tell me what that meant. Because you also looked at me with smoldering eyes and seemed to really want me. You say that so much of what we were was real but sometimes I feel like I was just usable and disposable, a filler for someone you didn't know how to love at the time. F*** you. I still care. F***. This.