Today i don’t feel very good. My mind has just been racing, spinning and crashing. i didn’t go to work today but i don’t want to be home. I cannot think of a single place i want to be. I like being home, or at my parents, or my friend’s place. but i just want to just fade away for the day. See how things are from a completely different perspective. Or what would be better is to see just my life in particular in a different perspective just to see who i am to the rest of the world. Don’t get me wrong. i don’t care what people think of me. but why do they think of me like that? what is their reasoning. Do people see when i struggle? Do they care when i do? It’s just hard to know where my mind is. What i feel or what i want is just difficult to even think of. I know people care for me. i have a couple very good friends that i know are there for me. As well as my family. but talking to them just makes me feel pitied. Even this is SO hard but i know it’s beneficial to get this out of me. I want to be able to define all of this. Just to say “i feel sad.” or “i feel happy” would mean all the world. i hate being so indecisive to the point that i don’t even know what i’m feeling half the time and i hate it. i don’t think i’ve ever wanted to change more than i do right now. become someone knew. different. better or worse. it doesn’t even matter. being stuck in the middle is just the most frustrating experience.