So I am a single father of 3 boys that I have been raising on my own now for 6+ years. I have been giving of my self to make sure that they have. Still young wondering why I was handed a life like this. Why is it that I have to be the one with all the worries as their mother gets to just do what she wants with no worry in the world. Now here it is years later and been in a relationship with a decent woman for three years now. The discussion of kids has came about and I have spoken my mind on that subject matter. I understand she has one kid and he is now ten and you want another baby but I have already expressed where I stand. She acts like I am selfish to want to raise the kids I have and to get my business up and running and save some money for travel and a good life someday. Not to be doing the whole baby thing again. Well I thought we were good on this and knew where eachother stands. Thought the birth control was still in effect till I found out I am going to have another one. Have I been trapped? Has the birth control failed? Needless to say you are excited and I am not. Now I am this bad monster guy that can’t be excited about something he has expressed that he did not want. Well I love my children I have now and I think I have proved that. I am sure that I will love the new one but damn I had a plan for my life in my head. It went like this….About 8-10 more years and my kids are grown, my business is thriving and I have money for their college and making investments for retirement and a comfortable life. Now here I am again feeling back at square one. Only difference now is that at least I have a way better co-parent.I am truly thankful for that atleast. I don’t know how to feel about all this but I can’t share in the joy of the whole thing that I did not want. Well I am venting I need to get some other things out too. I am not sure if our relationship is going to last because I kind of feel like I was trapped. Another thing is I wanted a good girl but a saint I am not too sure of. I like to drink socially, cuss a little and just be a guy. We are totally opposites and I know they attract but sometimes in my case it makes it a little boring. I am NOT a man that can be bored. I think most guys are not and we thrive off excitement. I am glad that she is not like my sons mom and full of drama and always has to be partying but damn you have to have some kind of fun and let loose once in a while. I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Maybe I am not meant for relationships because they always get boring after a few years. Maybe I have just not found the right one that keeps my interest. Maybe I should of stayed single and dating even if it kind of felt lonely. Maybe I am a nut case that doesn’t know what he wants. Maybe I should of got my self “fixed” so i wouldn’t be in this situation. Well it’s too late for maybe’s so I guess I just have to deal with what is at hand and hope for the best.
~ Confused Soul~