i keep using sex and weed to fill in my everlasting emptiness. i love my partner but i sometimes feel like i use them for the sex. i can't stop shopping. i maxed out my credit card. i'm always high. everything always feels like i'm dreaming and when i'm high suddenly that's not so scary anymore. i wish i could just choose when to be a person. i wish i had emotional permanence. i wish i wasn't so sad, so angry. i wish my happiness didn't consume me. i'm going to therapy, but it doesn't make this s*** go away. f*** intrusive thought and impulses and ideations. i just wish my brain would go quiet.