Have you ever felt as if you are just not good enough? That everything you do never is good enough? No matter how hard you even try. Well, that's me. Every day I fight to be good and do good and it's never enough. Not to me or my family, which just tears me down. Why do I try to be enough for them when they don't care, shouldn't I only care what I think of myself. Within six years of my life, I lost the two most important people, my dad, and papa. Whatever I did they thought it was good enough, even when I doubted myself. Even when I fell or didn't do great they were always there for me. They supported me, they were my glue, they were my everything. My best friends, my partners in crime. First went my dad and the depression started, the self-hating, never being good enough. After many terrible relationships, I met the man of my dreams. I can't even keep that relationship steady because of how much I can't handle my emotions or just show how much I love him. All I do is try and it is never good enough. I get so comfortable with him then I fall apart and shut down. After I met him I lost my papa and my entire world came crashing down again. Since I have not truly recovered. Every day I think what would life be like if they were still here, would I have to deal with my mother who seems like she doesn't like me. I know she does but she constantly is putting me down along with my stepdad. I just wonder will I ever be enough? Why do I push down my relationship with my boyfriend when it is the best thing to ever happen to me. I don't know. Maybe I fear that if I fully let him in he won't truly like me. Maybe I fear that if I get too close he will stop loving me and leave me. Maybe I just fear myself and who I am becoming. How do I ever overcome this after letting it consume me for years? I just want to come back to my true self, which is the happiest version of me. Instead of this version that I am fighting every single day to have some sort of happiness. I just want my boyfriend to know that I do love him and that I am trying my best. I just don't even know where to start, so maybe getting this all out is the true start. Maybe seeking help or just letting out my feelings is the real way to solve everything.