When I held your hand…it felt as if mine belonged there.
It doesnt.
At least.. that's what I tell myself.
I have to. Itd ruin everything otherwise.
How can I play to my fantasy like that?
It's just me begging for attention.
I tell myself if it wasn't you that it'd be someone else.
That I'm just projecting.
Using you as an excuse.
And deep down perhaps that's true…
Nothing has happened of course.
Nothing aside from your hand holding mine.
It was a joke. Not even meant for me.
"Hold my hand buddy" you said to him.
He was a little drunk and angry.
You were trying to calm him down.
But he didnt….but for some reason I did.
It didnt last long.
It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable.
It just was…and then I let go.
Because I had too. Because it was too comfortable.
More comfortable than my children's father.
It's not right.
I have to tell myself that I can't leave over wanting attention.
I can't ruin my family over a fickle feeling.
It's not right…so I'll pretend I am