My head feels full, full of nonsense. I’m lazy and unmotivated. I’m drowning but not in an ocean, this is my own doing. The liquid that fills my lungs is made by myself, and as I choke on my own saliva I gasp for air. When I clear my airways there’s still the embarrassment of my body’s failure to properly function. Behind the not so deep depths of the dark blue I’m only flesh wanting to be more, to feel more. Searching in most likely the wrong ways and places, left pleased right after but always wanting. Am I hard to please? What have I done? Sliding slowly into the dark shadows where it’s cold, my emotions become like my surroundings. I lied, I only felt sad for a split moment this time. I’m not something wonderful or great. I am toxic to everyone and it’s best for me to be alone. But with him when no words are spoken, as he grabs and pushes, he fuels some desire within me. I seek his abuse and crave to be disrespected by him. I want him in control of my body during that short lived time. I’ve become attached fast, suckling on to any attention that is given. I don’t want it to stop.