Well, here I am. Trying to find a place to just…write. To get out of my head a little.
First things first. I have to use analogies in life or I wouldn't be able to function, to understand, or to say how I want things to come out.
next, I cannot write worth a lick. I am really bad at it. Don't expect correct grammar. Commas may or may not be in the correct places. Run on sentences? Yup. Words that may be made up? Possibly. I'm just writing to get this all out.
So, here goes.
Imagine a room that was used from wall to wall to keep files. Wall to wall filing cabinets full of papers. Then imagine that a small unlikely tornado hit that room and slung all the drawers open and all the papers are on the floor. Utter chaos. That is what my brain feels like at the moment. Feelings. Memories. Past hurts. Current fears. Worries. All over the place. Now, I LOVE to file things. Alphabetize. Organize. THINGS HAVE A PLACE. I can do this in reality, just not in my brain. That is why I am here. One minute I am thinking one thing and the next, I am thinking about another. Right now? What is my THING. Ya know? I look at my high school peers now and see how far they have come. If I think their name, I know them by what they have accomplished, or are good at. One of my best friends has a jewelry website. One was really good at sports and popular, now she is a dedicated nurse. Another has her kids involved in everything and she's an amazing parent. Those are their "things". What makes them, them. So, what is my thing? It's kind of a downer. Am I just drifting in life? Am I copying someone else? I want to be me, not a shadow of an accomplished being. I need to find what makes me, me.
I feel that I am good at things. I can draw and paint. How long has it been? Several years. I was in a devastated place in that chapter of my life, so I took it out with a pencil and paper. Every time that I go through a painful time in my life, I am able to channel it and be creative, motivated, inspired. So, that's out. I'm not unhappy or miserable right now, so I cant draw or paint. I love to read. I have read several fantasy fiction series this year. I just started The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. I got through the middle of book one and stopped. BTW, I spent tons of money to buy the ENTIRE series. I did the same thing with The Landover Series by Terry Brooks. Got to the second book, chapter two and stopped. Sorry my precious books, I really do love you, but, I got bored. I have tried to write, but I found very quickly that I am not a writer at all. I don't follow the rules of a proper paper. Introduction, so many paragraphs, conclusion….see? I missed most of them. Ugh. Oh well. Its not a pretty place, my brain. This brings me to my dilemma. How do I sort through all these "papers" and find who I am…my thing?