If l’ve actually starved to death, why am l still so hungry? Why haven’t the hunger pangs left me? How do l fill the void? Where is the void coming from? The past is gone! It was gone so so many painful years ago when love for me departed so brutally, and so selfishly and evilly went away. It ran me over, and over, and over again. l mourned and l mourned and l mourned. So what am l to do about the emptiness that is left? How am l suppose to live with this everlasting, never ending nothingness that lm left with? Why didn’t it die with all the decades of sorrows and pains? There is an area in my heart that is broken to what seems like beyond repair. Does my heart deceive me? For it is written in the Holy book of life- the heart is a deceiver, a liar. Am l being betrayed by my own heart? Is it broken? Is it repairable? Is it whole? Is it deceiving me?? What a mess! What a horrible, terrible mess!! What brought this on? A picture of love which for some reason l cannot copy and paste.
Its been forever..Like so many other reminders, be it audio or visual. PTSD. Decades of depravity, of negligence, of rejection from a relationship and marriage- because it WAS my calling. A calling that cost severe trauma to heart, mind, body, and spirit. A heavy blow of death without remorse, without sense…brought on by the calling that is itself hindered, and deprived of emotional or social abilities that wreak havoc to the heart and soul of anyone who gets involved with it. But why was l chosen for such a task? Such a gruesome burden? Was l to be so strong? Was l to be so beaten? Oh Jesus- it doesn’t compare to what you went through for me. But there u are- King of Kings, Lord of Lords? What am I? When will l heal? How long Lord- how long??? Talking to the hindered comes across as empty words- for that one doesn’t understand it, so why bother? It will only provoke anger. It is my burden. In the words of Sarah McLachlan-Sweet Surrender-And every step l took on faith betrayed me…