I've been trying so hard to become an idol trainee for the past year and a half. I've barely rested… I live in America, I'm half white half chinese, I'm not super ugly, I'm still rather young, and I genuinely do believe that I can sing and dance relatively well.
I've worked so so so hard… I stay up until 4 AM practicing and studying, while waking up again at 9. I've literally taught myself Korean to the point where I can watch almost anything without subtitles. Not to brag, but kids who've taken spanish for 6 years still can't conjugate correctly on the spot, and to myself, I'm fluent in a language I've been TEACHING MYSELF, all alone for just a year and a half. While being on a sports team (like 3 hours a day?) and taking all AP/ Honors classes. I've submitted 15 auditions to 20 companies since i've started. And none of them have given me any calls back. I don't mean that I haven't gotten in, but it's just been nothing since I've started. Not one thing.
And I used to be able to think that I could live without being an idol. Having school and friends around I could convince myself that there were other options for me. I really do hate to brag, but I'm very good at a lot of things. Art, any subject, sports, piano, guitar, I can speak 4 languages pretty fluently… I've gotten so many school- related awards… national competitions and things like that…. but since school and sports have been shut down, I've been all alone all day to just sing and dance and practice.
And it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I'm just too fat for these companies. I won't give details but I have a BMI of 19.6. I'm not over 110 pounds which is considered fat,,, but then again the average height is taller than me, so maybe I need to lose weight. I used to be a fat kid… I was 140 at like 4'6" or something, IDK, but I was like 10… So I'm trying to lose just 10 more pounds to be skinnier for these auditions, but I'm not seeing anything. And I've done calculations and all that, so I should be burning 1500 calories more than I'm eating everyday, leading me to 10 pounds in a month, but then I get sad and I stress eat…
And you wanna know why I get so sad? It's because ahaha I have no friends. I know that everyone is feeling lonely because of quarantine, but nobody follows that anymore. I'm on the younger side for my grade so I cannot drive alone, even though my friends mostly all can. I've asked so many of them to go out with me, like on hikes or playing tennis, or 6 feet apart- acceptable activities for the ones who actually abide by that, but every single time except for twice, every. single. time. they either cancel or just reject it right away. Even my best friend…. I don't even know what she does anymore. I think she just spends more time with this other girl, so maybe 'she's' her best friend now… I don't know.
My parents know what I'm struggling with, but one of them insists that I give up by the end of summer. And I understand where they're coming from. I'm smart and I have a bright future in the US. I could get into any college I wanted if I spent my free time studying other things, not singing and dancing. But this is my dream. It's the first time I've wanted something so badly. And it's actually all I think about. I used to draw and bake and write stories and write music for fun, but now I'm scared that it's just a waste of time so i shouldn't bother because it could keep me from passing an audition.
Whenever my teachers, classmates, or family talk about college, I'm never serious about my answers because I'm set on becoming a singer. But what if I've just wasted a year and a half of my life already? What if I'm going to waste my shot at getting into a good college on a good program to do something good with my life to have a good family and a good impact on the world by insisiting on doing something that was never even a real option for me?
And I just hope and pray to God that He won't let me destroy my life and that this HAS to be the right path for me, but sometimes I just feel like I'm all alone.
I just wish that somebody would talk to me. Not even try to understand or care or help. I just want someone to listen to me and not yell at me or leave me again.
I'm just really sad and lonely right now. I have been for the past month, but nobody has helped.
I don't remember how to be happy.
I just miss being happy.