Dark, overpowered by my own mind. Trapped in some thick mental fog. I just want to laugh because it makes me feel lighter for a moment in time. I want to surround myself with people that make me laugh and want to have a good time. On the weekends I would enjoy drowning out this sad, futile feeling with alcohol. I probably shouldn't drink I'm not very smart to begin with. Why is it so hard to meet people in your thirties? I've turned to places on the web for social interaction. I should be grateful for what I have. I'm not. It's hard to be thankful for anything when you feel undeserving. I'm not happy and I don't know what's going to make me feel less like an oozing blob of human existence. I fill my time up with what I think I should. Cleaning, shopping, domestic duties not a one fills this willingness to no longer be. I'm invisible to people in public and have been hard on my looks lately. I need a change. Hair, new tattoo, treatment, anything, just so I don't feel so me. If I could I would run from me too. I've typed myself into a panic attack. F***!