It's difficult to want help. It becomes even harder to actually get it. I'm so hard on myself. I feel shameful and weak when I see how much hurt, pain and emptiness is in me. Yesterday was challenging, I cried hard most of the morning. To the point where I became exhausted the rest of the day. Hearing some words hurt, I guess even if I know the truth deep down.
I wanted to be gone from this world yesterday. I was in pain and it just added to this long lingering feeling of emptiness. I'm not a selfish person so I can't do that to anyone. They rely on me and with my absence it would bring them pain.
I keep reading and looking for a meaning, I continue to write thinking if I just get these words out they'll be gone, and I workout hard in hopes I'll just become happy. Nothing.
Worried about how far this will go I finally did something about it and looked up help. Also made an appointment that I've been meaning to make.
As cursed as I may be I'll stay strong.