i'm probably one of the few people who, instead of jumping for joy at the fact that school's out for the rest of march because of the coronavirus, has a heart heavy with dread. no access to my friends, my only release, the only people i can allow to be my true self with. my "public self" and my "family self" completely go against one another.
one is gay. the other is straight. one is generally rambunctious, confident, and getting into trouble. the other is quiet and soft-spoken. one is gifted in running (away from my problems badum-CHING) and math while the other is "the creative one": inks in massive flowers and ravens lacing down their forearms and scribbles in poems into a scrappy journal in the middle of the night. pink and green. dark and light shades. pepsi and cola. there's too many to name.
but is the person that i am around my friends even my true self? was it just a fabrication, a personality built up from the likes of others, of my peers?
and what of my "family self"? is that just a person made up from the countless numbers of rules that my parents have established? i can't even say 'freaking' without one of them billowing steam from their ears and nostrils. imagine how they'd react to how much i curse at school.
who am i? i thought that the person that i am at school was me finally being able to discover my true self without my parents hovering over me, but was it just something i invented to get people to like me? i hate living a life in two opposing worlds. i hate this. i f***ing hate this so much.