I keep telling myself no and I dont know how to stop. I've let so many opportunities go because I am constantly doubting myself. I feel so unsuccessful and I can blame no one but myself. I keep making excuses as to why I do the things I do. I dont have the money to go on that trip or to buy that cute top. I dont know if I'll get this job it's highly competitive.I'd be too werid of a friend to this person and make them uncomfortable. The last two years have been so stagnant
boring and productive. Then I think it's safe. This is comfortable. Why do I need to change? Nothing is really wrong.
…
God. I was sitting in the living room at my apartment and I was watching Netflix and suddenly I was hit with this feeling of complete despair. I wasn't watching anything sad but it was like…I suddenly started to realize that I'm f***ing myself up. Sadness isnt new to me it happens when something happens to me. This moment was different. It came unprovoked with no warning and I started to think about how pathetic I was acting. After that moment of despair passed I started to really think about my life. I want change. I do. I dont want to say I dont know how to change because that feels like an excuse. I'm tired of excuses
I'm afraid that feeling of despair is gonna come back if I don't do something.