I now remember why I once self medicated. It was to stop feeling, stop hurting just stop. Everyday we would drink or smoke pot and on the weekends we would take what pills we could find. I want to feel numb again. I want my mind to stop. I want to find peace and silence all the monsters. I often think what if I wasn't around anymore. I then realize that my family would fail without me. If I was to remove myself I would in turn create more toxic, unhealthy humans. There are enough s*** people like me. I am so protective of them. I want the best for them so I stay. Trying to be what healthy is. I'm happy and my happiness is from them and my husband. He is so f***ing good. He's just a good guy and they are hard to come by. Feeling so much remorse, hurt, guilt, emptiness. My mind going on overdrive constantly questioning, worrying, and wondering about actions and decisions from my past, present and future. I don't want to cause them pain so I don't self medicate. I try to remind myself "be in the moment" I don't want to miss out on these years. I know that they are important and I will never get them back if I don't just live in the moment.