Why is it that I'm still stuck. At first I thought this was "love". Then I just wanted you because I can't have you. Then I realized that I never got healthy closure. So, then I felt like it was the fact that I never got to express my feelings or give you reasoning. I was not aware that you don't want that nor do I deserve the chance to give an explanation.
From there I wouldn't let go of my guilt as if it was a strong reminder to not f*** up something "good" again.
I then realized that I truly just miss your company.
You were a friend, we could be around each other all the time. You were someone I could talk to and if we couldn't talk we would write.
We would set for hours doing nothing but still so pleased in that moment. Sharing our company with one another. That's hard to find.
You were someone that saw all my "wrongs" and you excepted me and I you.
I now know that it's just the presence of you that I miss and it has taken me a long time to just let go. It's as if your dead but you're not and that's what makes it even harder.
That's fine everyone grieves in their own way. There is no correct amount of time or easy way of doing so. I am just trying to heal. I only want to heal.
It's ridiculous that I get ridiculed for being me.