I realized after the end of a two year relationship, the few months before college, four tinder dates, one real date that started like a movie, sex with someone I knew vaguely, and hanging out with my friends a majority of my time that I really genuinely do not want a relationship. I went on a date today. I couldn't go crazy like I would with my friends. I wasn't nervous, I just never felt anything during it. There wasn't any hype with trying to take pictures with him. There wasn't any excitement with aesthetic walls with him. I wanted to pay for myself but he insisted, and I figured if I just let him then I would be more influenced to stay but it just guilted me more. From now on, I will pay for myself on the first date so I can leave if necessary with no baggage. The whole time I just wished I was with my friends. I could be silly with my friends. I could be warm with my friends. I could be myself with my friends. I was not guilty going on the date because I was two months out of my last relationship, or I was still talking to another guy, I was guilty because I was not attracted to him. He felt like an older brother. I can't hook up with him. I now never want to go on a date again. What is the point when all I want to do is f*** once in a while. I got a guy for that already. I'm not gonna ask him for a date anymore though, he really is just for f***ing- and cuddling afterwards. I don't want a relationship. I don't want to f*** around. I don't want to hurt people's feelings but I have to for myself. I just need to satiate my needs with the same person every time so I don't have to hunt for someone new.