I'm struggling a lot with if I can maintain my clean time and not do drugs. I know if I use again I'll die, because I can't control myself. However, I'm also severely suicidal all the time, and my CPTSD is making life super hard. I'm worried that I'll drop the ball and fall over the cliff I'm currently on.
I've been trying to tell my parents but they don't understand, and just cause things to be worse. I don't want to die, I don't want to have my brothers and family and friends have me die. But I also don't know how to kill this beast of mental illness and addiction without killing myself, and it's seeming like that's all thats left.
I don't know what to do, but I don't have any control, and it scares me.