Once again I lay here, the only one awake in the darkness. I sit here crying as I listen to the kids quiet snoring, along with his loud echoing ones. Everytime i look at him the tears flow more. 8 years. 8 years of me crying alone while he sleeps soundly besides me. 8 years of him asking me why I can never be happy. Why everything has to be depressing. 8 years of me begging for him to help me. Of begging for some kind of comfort. Instead i get "quit overreacting". I feel so alone I want to die. I told him so. I thought he'd help. Now I just feel worse for it. Now I still want to die..but I feel so guilty I cant even just want to die. Now I hear him yelling at me. "HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT..WHAT ABOUT THE BOYS…HOW COULD YOU BE SO SELFISH…DONT YOU LOVE THEM..WHATS WRONG WITH YOU."….I still want to die. But now I cry because wanting to die hurts too. I feel worthless. Useless. Unwanted. Especially now. I know he doesnt want me anymore. I see it. He told me he would f*** my friend if he could. He said it to hurt me because I said soemthing to hurt him..buy it wasnt a lie. He looks at her photos all the time. And whats worse is that the porn he watches has girls just like her. Skinny. Beautiful. Exotic looking. and here I am. None of those things. I'm fat. Ugly. Plain. He says he still wants me, but I can tell he doesnt care anymore. He hasnt for so long. He says "I love you" I ask him "why wont you help me when i cry. why dont you care? How can you fall asleep knowing I'm feeling so worthless and crying myself to bed.."You always cry"…thats it. Thats always his answer. I always cry. And hes right. I do. I do nothing but cry, because i cant kill myself. im to weak for that. I cant get help. I'm too scared. So I cry. One day.. When I'm finally gone…I wonder if it'll matter to him..or if he'll just say "she always cried".