I am super crazy. The way I live my life is unstable and unsustainable. As far as romantic relationships go. I am certainly better off alone and would probably be more comfortable alone. So ultimately, I do not know why I am involved with her. I like her but I think mostly I am just possessive– and surprised someone can put up with all my crazy. But I also know that this can't last… so I am kind of waiting for her to pull out. I mean I would myself but… it might hurt her (and it's not like I haven't tried on two separate occasions). I don't know why I am willing to hurt myself, to play with my emotions. I think I'm on self-destruct mode and I don't know how to flip the switch.
It's really hard to change and grow with someone else. I need my space yet I really do live for the moment she messages me and I wring my fingers over the moments of silence…
The other night when I was kissing her– her breath smelled kind of bad. I know she brushed her teeth already but it smelled kind of like throw up. I kissed her anyway. I think I must have been smelling the alcohol on her breath. I don't know. I hope that wasn't too mean of a thing to say.
She hasn't written me today. I wonder if she's mad at me. I showed her this post that insinuated I love her. I don't really love her but I wonder if she saw that and got scared. I also told her that I think this other guy likes her… She doesn't think so.
I think I'm just jealous, insecure and kind of crazy, which is ok when you're alone but really f***ed up when you're with someone else.
I keep going back to these thoughts. They hold me captive until she writes– which is crazy. Maybe I should go see someone because I hate these feelings.