I just need to let this out, my heart hurts. No this isn't about heartbreak, maybe not the kind you are thinking of. My heart just hurts, am I mad, I think I'm mad. I hate my stepdad a lot. Like It's really bad, I know I should love him. But it's so f***ing hard. I don't normally curse, out loud at least, but lately I've been swearing like a sailor in my mind. I burst out in anger at times and it's really not good. I try to contain myself, but it only makes it worse later on. The worst part is that it is coming out sooner, it used to be that I would have these "fits" occasionally, but recently, it's been happening more frequently. It's not good. I know. I know that it's the enemy playing with my mind. Why is this hate so binding, I try to love him I do. Do I? I don't know. If it don't this hate will consume me and turn me into something worse, the worst version of me. I don't want to be that way. God doesn't want me to be that way, I don't want to be that way. It's just that it's so hard, it's so damn hard to keep this up. That I'm okay. I mean I have this hope, I have this hope that God loves me, that I'm a child of God and if God forgives me so should I, but it's so damn hard. I can't let the enemy win. I need you Jesus, help me. I don't have the emotional strength for this, what can I do. I think I've been just escaping all this time. I think that I've been ignoring the problem, I think that in my own way I'm running away. I'm not the one slamming the back door leaving the house after the argument, but I run, I run to the internet, to this very computer searching for things to take my mind off reality. I hide behind this screen and look for channels that show me a funner world, a place that occupies my mind, so that I don't need to think. I just want to preoccupy my mind and it's doing more harm than good. It is not a good escape, it's just a band aide and not a very good one either. I don't want to face the facts, I don't want to deal with the problem, I just want to survive long enough to get out of here. He tells me there's the front door. Don't worry I'm f***ing leaving. I really want to, but I don't have money yet, or at least not enough to survive on my own. But I don't want to leave with a bad taste in my mouth. I want to make it work, but I just am fed up with his negativity and his comments and how we are always wrong and whenever he makes a mistake if we call him out for it then he just laughs and if we make it a bigger deal he gets mad, but everything we do is a bigger deal than it is and…I should stop myself. I shouldn't be focusing on the past, the bad qualities, but it's just that I f***ing hate it, I really really hate it. I've never hated anything in my