I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory
Is this where it gets me?
On my seat, several seats ahead of me
If I see it coming do I run or do I wanna see
Is it like a beat without a melody
I'm always thinking the worst when it comes to the issuance of report cards, even though I know full well that these things won't matter in a couple of years. It's still agonizing to think about, when my mother gives me the silent treatment when I f*** up & gives me the face I always see when she's disappointed. I wonder if I'll still be treated normally when we recieve our report cards tomorrow. I'm always tense when this time comes because Math & Science are kicking my ass. I associate my grades with my future a little too much & worry that if I don't get an average of at least 85 I tell myself I shouldn't even be alive. I just feel so bad that I can't bring myself to do better becausbecause my family makes a lot of sacrifices for me & what they recieve in return is someone who doesn't deserve any of the things they give. I feel horrible every day & I get severe anxiety when I don't measure up to what I want to be.
It's just so suffocating to see evrything I have to live up to. I should have good grades & good art & I try to achieve both, but I also wanna enjoy my youth while I can. Being a 4th year is stressing me the f*** out. This isn't what I expected a few years ago. I can't believe I was excited to be a 4th year. But still, I'm thankful I managed to get this far, and I hope God can give me the strength & motivation to keep living.
I can only hope for the best tomorrow & actually try to give my all next quarter. I don't wanna let anyone down.
~Kouhai